"My husband told me he's attracted to men."

My husband of many years has just dropped the bomb that he’s attracted to men. I’m a mess but sort of frozen in my tracks. What should I do? What should I say?

As hard as it is for one partner in a relationship to come out to the other as gay or bisexual, receiving this news can be just as difficult, if not more so. No doubt, your husband gave this announcement a lot of thought beforehand, but it sounds like it still caught you off guard.

If you’re angry, my advice to you is to go ahead and let it out—within reason, of course. He may insist you not cry or be angry, but bottling up your feelings now is a bad idea. Then, consider taking a break from each other so that you can both mull over what’s happening. You may want time alone, or you may want to reach out for the support of a friend or another family member. Next, you’ll likely have some questions for him, along the lines of “Do you want to stay married?”, “Do you want to get a divorce?”, or “Do you want to tell other family members? (And what do you want to tell them?)” Be sure not to cede your own power and authority in making these decisions: Ask yourself what’s best for you (and your kids, if you have any).

Finally, consider contacting the Straight Spouse Network (www.straightspouse.org), which provides nonjudgmental support and information to married people in your precise situation. This group has a wealth of advice; you might meet others who have gone through this very challenging situation already and eventually put it behind them.