How do I know which is the "real" gay dad?

Sometimes through friends or my work here in New York City, I’ll meet a family with gay parents and I’ll wonder where the kids came from. Did they adopt? Use a surrogate? Are they from a previous (straight) marriage? The other day, I met these two really nice guys with a young son. I didn’t want to be rude so I didn’t ask, but is there a polite way to find out which one is the “real” dad in such a situation?

To be honest, I’m not sure why you need to know who the “real” father is — other than idle curiosity. Let me ask this in response: What difference would it make to you to know which father has a genetic connection to the child — if that’s what you mean by “real”? I think that being a good father (or mother) has much less to do with a blood connection and much more to do with hands-on parenting as well loving and providing for a child.

Or if you mean “real” in a legal sense, consider how tricky affirming gay parenthood by law can often be. You likely know that very few gay couples have access to legally sanctioned marriage in this country, which makes it difficult for two same-sex individuals to be considered legal parents of a little one. (Eleven states and the District of Columbia allow for full joint adoption by same-sex couples.) More often that not, one member of a same-sex couple becomes the legal parent because of the discriminatory nature of state parenting statutes. In the majority of the remaining states — but certainly not all — the other partner can become a legal guardian through a procedure called “second party” adoptions, which involves going to court to get a formal affirmation of his or her rights and responsibilities to the child. But this is not always a done deal and often comes with much anxiety to gay parents.

Even if these laws took a giant step forward and were suddenly more equitable for gay parents, I would still tell you this: Neither blood nor laws make one parent “more” than the other. The far more important questions are: Who is responsible for these children? Who loves them and takes care of them? I also suggest keeping in mind that this is not really as much of a gay-straight thing as it looks like at first! Lots and lots of straight parents aren’t related to their kids by blood or affirmed by any sort of legal documents either — although the law makes it much easier for them to do so if they’d like to.