When boyfriends disagree about where to spend the holidays?

"My boyfriend wants to spend time with his family over the holidays and I want to spend time with our friends. He says they’re “just friends” and not as important as family. How do we figure this out? Time’s running out.

For starters, be grateful that you have a loving BF, who—it seems—has a loving family. That’s not true by a long shot for every LGBT person (as the holidays make us all the more aware). And, of course, be thankful for your own set of friends. I understand your puzzlement about his “just friends” remark, as though they are second-class citizenry. For many lesbians and gay men, friends are as much family or more as the people we share our DNA with. So, what to do?

• First of all, who says couples have to be together every holiday? Many LGBT couples spend them apart. A gay couple I know has actually never spent Christmas Day together (and that’s after ten years), but they make sure to celebrate the holiday either before or on New Year’s.

• Think about trading off. Christmas this year at his folks, for instance, and next year with your friends.

• Plan ahead: It’s already December. Better to start having this conversation earlier in the fall so that you won’t feel like you have a gun to your heads. Give yourselves the gift of time to figure things out.

• Bottom line: Create the plans that work for you and your partner, which you may in fact decide involve neither his family nor your friends. How does Hawaii sound—or, more practically, a nearby B&B?