What to call my transgender coworker?

A colleague at work, formerly Michael, now Mariah, is going through a transition and we don’t know what to call him (or is it her?). And how do you talk about what the person’s going through without prying?

If your colleague is now going by the name Mariah, you should use the female pronoun when referring to her. That’s pretty straightforward. When in doubt, follow the lead of your colleagues or check out her business cards or the way she signs her name on office memos. Here’s another a tip: Try changing how you think about pronouns. Instead of thinking of them as ways of declaring how you perceive someone's gender, think of them as courtesy titles, like Mrs. or Ms. Also, don’t get caught up in any concerns about whether someone is taking hormones or is pre- or post-surgery and how that might affect what you call him or her. It doesn’t. What matters is how the person prefers to be known.

For some in our community, accepting the “T” in our LGBT acronym has been challenging. To be certain, there was a time when “T” issues were new and uncomfortable for me. I thought back to my parents' generation, many of whom had difficulty accepting their gay and lesbian family members and friends. Why? I'd say largely because of the shock of the new (“I don't know any gay people!”) and our basic, almost genetic predisposition against anything different in the human family (“difference = bad”). As more of us come to know trans folks, the more comfortable we’ll become with the notion that gender can shift over time.

So, while this may be a new occurrence for you, do your best to be supportive. If you need more information to share with your colleagues, check out the online brochure, “Coming Out as Transgender,” co-published by The National Center for Transgender Equality and the Human Rights Campaign Coming Out Project.