My girlfriend is a snoop

My partner and I have been living together for a couple of months now and I suddenly realized that she’s going through my personal papers and reading my email. I actually don’t have anything to hide, but I feel like she’s invading my privacy and don’t like that one bit. When I called her on this behavior, she said, “That’s what lesbian couples do.” Is it?

No, lesbian couples don’t do that. Nor do couples of other kinds—if they want their relationship to last. And you’re quite right that it’s irrelevant whether or not you have anything to hide. There is a fine, but important, distinction between “looking” and “snooping.” It’s just looking when there’s a bank statement or personal letter on the table or a racy photo on the wall, but it becomes snooping when you take some action, like opening the letter, looking through papers, opening a photo album or visiting an online account.

To start, I suggest changing your password, getting a file cabinet that locks and telling your partner that her prying is not acceptable to you. The larger issue here may be one of trust, however; she doesn’t seem to trust you, but is also apparently not trustworthy herself. But I’m only a manners expert, not a therapist, so I’ll stop here.