How to convince mom we won't have sex in front of the kids?

My partner and I usually spend the Christmas holidays apart, opting instead to dine with our respective families. But this year I'd like to take him to my parents with me. They are clearly aware that we’re gay and typically include him in their Christmas cards. Yet, when I mentioned bringing him just recently, my mother said, "But sweetie, there will be children there." I just couldn’t believe it. How do I assure them that we're able to restrain our rabid-monkey-sex for at least the duration of dinner?

Your question reminds me of a situation with my own family many years back. My mom invited my then partner and me to Christmas dinner with the caveat that there would be “no touching.” I asked her (nicely, since she is my mom) if that rule extended to the straight couples, like my brother and his wife, who were also planning to attend. Flummoxed by the “equal rights” clause, she relented and we came to dinner, holding hands under the table and otherwise being affectionate with each other. We all survived! And no children were harmed.

In your case, I would discuss this directly with your mother as soon as possible and evoke your own “equal treatment” provision (provided you have straight siblings or other heterosexual couples will be there for comparison). “Mom, everyone else gets to bring their significant other, I don’t understand why I can’t bring Lewis.” Use a bit of humor to assuage her anxiety about you guys having sex in the bathroom (or whatever her nightmare is), saying something like: “We’re adults, and we do know something about self-control and holiday decorum.” Finally, if all else fails, put a positive spin on it for your Mom: “We’d really like to spend the holidays together and with the family for a change. Lewis has heard so much about your Jell-O salad.” If that doesn’t do the trick, try talking with your father. If you can play them off to your advantage, so be it.