“How do I tell a poz guy I don’t want to date him?”

I’m HIV-negative, and my last lover died of AIDS. After years of taking care of him, I’m just not prepared to go out with an HIV-positive person right now. How can I explain this without making a new guy feel bad?

Your question illustrates why Craigslist can be so helpful, whether you’re a top seeking a bottom or an HIV-negative guy “seeking same.” If you’re not screening guys beforehand, remember that HIV-negative men are free to just say no to poz guys—and vice versa, for that matter.

For starters, you’ll need to use your words: That means talking about HIV before having sex or getting too emotionally close. But what you say and how you say it are critical. No one should ever make another feel badly about their HIV status. Start the conversation by saying something like: "I just want you to know that my last HIV test came back negative." In this scenario, the burden of disclosure isn’t automatically placed on those with the most to lose, given the stigma associated with being HIV-positive. A positive guy could then say, “Thanks for telling me that. You know, I’d be more comfortable not taking this to the next level. I’m just more comfortable having sex with poz guys." Or he could decide that he doesn’t want to disclose; or, if he doesn’t know his status, he could say: "Thanks for telling me that, and I'm glad you brought up safe sex. If we decide to have sex, how about we make sure that we only have safe sex?" Then you would need to decide how to respond.

One last point: Don’t forget that there’s a sizable proportion of HIV-positive gay men who think they’re negative but who have, in fact, seroconverted since their last HIV test came back negative. Test results are a snapshot; nothing more.