"How do I live with a closet case?"

I’m very comfortable with my sexuality, but my partner’s not out to his family or colleagues. It’s driving me crazy. How do we handle the tension?

I’m wondering whether you mean the tension between the two of you, one out and one closeted, or the tension you feel in the presence of your partner’s family, when you are being asked to lie about your relationship. They are probably somewhat entwined.

Your real issue is that your partner, for whatever reason, is not able to be honest with himself or his family. Perhaps it’s his fear of emotional rejection, the threat of financial or professional ruin, or concern that news of his homosexuality would be too much for his parents to accept. But the truth is that because he’s an adult with a partner, it’s time to develop a coming out plan. Life in the closet is difficult enough for the guy in the closet without spreading the burden around by asking others to lie (or cover up) for him.

You may want to suggest he contact PFLAG and/or find a therapist to discuss his coming out issues—and offer to support him through the process. In the end, of course, the decision to come out remains a personal one. Either your partner will or he won’t. And you will either stay with him or move on. If he does remain in the closet and you do stay together, by the way, you may find it easier to limit your visits to his family so as to forego the pretense of being a “friend.”