How can I be out without causing problems for my kids?

I have two kids in junior high who already don’t want to have anything to do with me or their other mother—not because we’re gay, just because we’re their parents. We purposely don’t wear our T-shirts that say, “We’re Here, We’re Queer,” but do wonder how out can we be without causing problems for them?

That can be a tricky age for kids. Any difference makes you suspect. A foreign accent. An idiosyncratic haircut. Same-sex parents. Needless to say, the answer to this question depends to some degree on where you live. For families in the Castro, Greenwich Village, and other gayborhoods, it’s fair to say that LGBT parents are not just common but ubiquitous.

But for parents and kids in areas where LGBT families are less visible, it makes sense to deploy a step-by-step coming out strategy. First, take stock of your new neighbors and figure out who has kids more or less the same age as yours. Much as you may have done when you first came out, befriend three or four of them who you think might be welcoming. Invite them and their kids over for some sort of function—a birthday party, summer BBQ, or the like. More likely than not, you’ll soon find yourself being welcomed as a family into your neighborhood circle. At the same time, make an appointment with your kids’ teachers so that they can introduce you to other LGBT parents in the school as well as keep an eye open for any trouble—especially anti-gay bullying (because of your sexual orientation). And, of course, talk with your kids directly about their own feelings regarding your sexuality.