"Do I have to call myself 'gay' or 'bi' even if I don't like labels?"

I’ve had a couple of relationships with guys, but I’ve also had two girlfriends. So, I’m not exactly sure if I’m gay, but I know that I’m different. Everyone I know seems to care about labels — “straight,” “gay,” “bi” — but I’m just not sure what to call myself. What should I be telling people?

First of all, you don’t need to tell anyone anything. How you define yourself is your business, and just because someone is asking you a question doesn’t mean you should feel obligated to answer it. If a friend or family member asks you that kind of direct question, you can reply (with a smile), “Thanks for asking, but I prefer to keep my private life private.” Or, “That’s within my zone of privacy.” You don’t need to be snarky, just firm.

But as you’ve noticed, our culture values labels- whether it comes to race (black, white, Asian...), politics (red or blue state), sexuality (gay, straight, bi), or gender identity (masculine or feminine). A recent study of non-straight young people asked them how they define themselves sexually. The results suggested that more than seven out of 10 did endorse the usual sexual identity labels (gay, lesbian and bisexual), with only 10 percent, those like you, showing resistance to those labels or fluidity in their sexual identities. Thirteen percent reported they were “questioning” their sexual identities. So, take comfort that you’re in a sizeable minority — a minority that is often referred to as “post-gay,” and, in fact, avant-garde in having rejected sexual identity labels.