Can kids grow up "normal" in a gay home?

My sister is a born-again Christian and the mother of five. She constantly tells me that my partner and I are going to have really messed up kids because we’re lesbians. We definitely do want children. And last week my sister said to us: “How could a child grow up to be normal in a gay household?” What in the world do I say to her?

Well, it depends how available your sister is to having her mind changed. You could explain to her that all the research shows that children of lesbians and gays turn out just as well as other kids and that there’s no evidence to suggest that lesbians and gay men are unfit to be parents. It’s also true that one’s sexuality does not make for a good or bad parent; what matters most is your ability to create a loving and caring environment.

But the truth is that you may not actually resolve this issue until you have a chance to show her by example. I’m going to guess that the day your sister sees that your kids are pretty much like any other kids is the day she’ll understand. Knowing gay people—and in cases such as this one, knowing the children of gays and lesbians—seems to be the number one factor when folks who started out homophobic decide to finally accept LGBT folks.

Still, it sounds like your kids are still some way off, and not available for such a “demonstration.” So, if she won’t do some reading on her own or listen to your protestations, tell her politely that the topic is off bounds. It’s called setting boundaries. Then, once you’ve decided to get pregnant or adopt, let her know the good news in person and suggest she attend a meeting with PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays: check out their site at pflag.org). And don’t forget to make sure she’s invited to your baby shower!