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For starters, please be grateful that you have a loving partner, who — it seems — has a loving family. And, of course, be thankful for your own set of friends. As for what you should do about this embarrassment of riches: Create the plans that work for you and your partner, which you may even end up deciding involves neither his family nor your friends.
Here is some food for thought for LGBT couples making holiday plans this time of year:

• First of all, who says couples have to be together every holiday? Many LGBT couples spend them apart. A gay couple I know has actually never spent Christmas Day together (and that’s after ten years), but they make sure to celebrate the holiday either before or on New Year’s.

• While your partner’s family sounds pretty dreamy (at least on this issue), many of our families are not that accepting. Recently, I’ve had folks write in asking what they should do when a boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t welcome home for the holidays. (Short answer: Stand your ground). Still, there’s a lot of pain in either staying away from your “family of origin” or acquiescing to mom or dad’s demands.

• Sometimes we use the phrase – “just friends” – as though this is a second-class type of citizenry. I realize you didn’t, but for many LGBT people, our friends are often as much our families as they people we share DNA with. It’s great that you have such good friends that you want to share the holidays with them. Nurture those relationships.

• For those of you who aren’t out, it can be especially trying to come home and pretend to be someone you’re not. Do your best. Try to devise a coming out plan so you won’t be in this situation next holiday season.

• Think about trading off. Christmas this year at his folks, for instance, and next year with your friends. (By the way, dare I ask about your own family?)

• Plan ahead: It’s already December. Better to start having this conversation earlier in the fall so that you give yourselves time to figure things out.

• Compromise. This is a classic example of what shrinks call the “me” versus “we” in relationships. How do you balance your individual needs with your partner’s? The answer: If you can’t agree on his way or yours, find something you both want to do. Hawaii? Stay home? You decide.

Whatever you decide to do, happy holidays. (And if you’re looking for a good LGBT non-profit to donate to or volunteer, check out my list.

 

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