HOME        MEET STEVEN         THE WELL-MANNERED BLOG         QUEERIES         BOOKS        GIVING BACK        MEDIA ROOM        RESOURCES      

In a perfect world, of course he should believe you, and in this same world you would also be correct about your own HIV status. But the world’s imperfect. Your boyfriend seems to recognize this, and you don’t quite yet. Sometimes, when guys say they’ve never had unsafe sex, they actually mean:

• I topped a guy without a condom but because tops don’t get AIDS, I was safe.
• I bottomed for a guy who didn’t use a condom, but he didn’t come in me, so I was safe.
• He didn’t ejaculate in my mouth, so I was safe.
• Although he ejaculated in my mouth, I didn’t swallow, so I was safe.

In any new couple, one of the most important topics to discuss is what each of you means by “safe sex” or “safer sex,” since the phrases can have vastly different meanings. Many often find that behaviors that one person might find completely safe (fellatio, for example) might not rank as safe with the other. This also has to do with how each of us gauge the risks we’re willing to take. Indeed, oral sex is “low” risk compared to unprotected anal intercourse, but it’s not no-risk.

Before couples stop using condoms, they need to understand their current health statuses and take the HIV/AIDS antibody test. One young gay Brit explained his thought process: “Using condoms [wasn’t] a problem for me, but then I fell in love. So my partner and I talked about f____g without condoms, discussed what the rules were going to be, and then got tested. From the first discussion to finally getting the test results took us nearly a month, but knowing that neither of us would infect the other was worth the wait.” Patience is a virtue—if not a must.

If you test negative, remember it doesn’t mean that:

• you can’t be infected with HIV
• you have an immunity to HIV
• the “safe” sex you are having will always keep infection at bay
• your sexual partners have all been HIV negative
• none of the people you’ve had sex with are infected with HIV

The other key element for a new couple is “discussing the rules” for the road ahead. As you know, you’re only as safe as your (and your partner’s) latest antibody test. If you agree to be monogamous, make sure you both have the same definition. For most couples, this means no other sexual partners. For others it can have greyer shades, like no anal intercourse, but allowing other sexual practices (like oral sex or mutual j/o in the steam room or having sex with a hustler). If you are going to have an open sexual relationship, again agree on what’s “safe” and what’s not—and tell each other if you breach the covenant. But therein lies the problem: We’re human. We make mistakes, and we’re often loath to admit to them.