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STRAIGHT TALK

The fact of the matter is that you can’t always have it both ways (as much as we would like that to be the case). Clearly, her religious beliefs differ from yours and vice versa, at least in this particular way. The goal of your coming out is not about changing her beliefs; it’s about her accepting that you can have your own set of values and beliefs. Let me highlight that “acceptance” is different than “approval.”

What to do? If you have siblings or other close relatives whom you feel will accept your homosexuality, start there. As with any kind of coming out, you first want to make sure that you have the support you need—from friends, other family members, and organizations like Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) and Dignity USA (which provides information on coming out specifically for Catholics). Take that first step.

Next, you can start to raise LGBT topics with your mother in a nonthreatening way to engage her in conversation without making it personal. “What do you think of Ellen DeGeneres’ show?” “Are you still watching Will & Grace reruns?” Stay away from political questions for the time being (like, “How long do you think it will before the federal government allows same-sex marriage?” or “Don’t you think LGBT parents should be able to adopt?”) Engage her with your point of view and gauge her response to these questions. Try not to be dogmatic, yet hold firm to your beliefs. And remember to listen.

If and when you think she will accept your coming out (which, again, does not mean that she needs to approve of it), do it in a place where you have the necessary privacy to talk without distractions. This may be at one of your apartments, a quiet restaurant—or perhaps you can find a priest, counselor, or close friend to talk with together. Be prepared for the possibility that your mother will not accept this news with open arms or an open heart—at least not initially. Ask yourself beforehand how you would feel about that and whether it’s worth the effort to come out to your mother. Remember, it’s still a healthy step for you to come out—even if it’s not welcome news to others.

 

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